A Year On...

The last couple of years have been paramount to my self-development. Life has been hectic, chaotic, emotionally challenging and exhausting at times. It has also been full, exciting, stimulating and energising. It has thrown everything at me in terms of change and do you know what? I’ve survived. I’ve coped. Some days are better than others but ultimately, I haven’t crumbled to the point of no return. And I have yoga and meditation to thank for that. I do not think I’d be where I am today in terms of resilience if I didn’t have my practice. It is fundamental to making sure I remain balanced, or return to balance, when life is busy. It gives me a chance to reflect on and process my decisions so I can continue to make better ones. It gives me space to consider my actions and the conversations I’m having so I can choose more wisely as to what makes me feel better in life, not worse. It has shown me compassion for others and for myself, which has proved immensely important this last year. Yoga is not just a practice to be done on the mat, it is a lifestyle choice and it weaves its way into every aspect of our lives over time.

My yoga journey

My yoga journey began at the end of 2012. I returned from India where I had tried a few yoga classes and enjoyed them. When I was back in Bristol, I went to a few classes and eventually found my teacher. Two years on and I was back in India training with her to become a yoga teacher. This was not a path I had ever seen myself following.

I had always had a spiritual side. I used to wonder about God a lot as a child and my family were big influencers in the way I viewed the world. According to my Mum, my great grandmother used to grab your cup to read your tea leaves after every cup of tea you had. I was given her fortune telling book, published in 1936, by my Grandma. It’s one of my most prized possessions. My Mum had also introduced me to holistic treatments when I was growing up - reflexology and massage mainly. But her approach to life had always had a spiritual aspect, especially when it came to loss. I was always taught that people never disappeared after death but that their soul lived on and they would always be close to me. My Grandad told me once, when I asked what he thought happened after death, that he wasn’t scared of it. He believed that he returned to the stars - not to heaven or hell - but to the Universe. I thought this was the most beautiful expression of the soul’s journey.

I trained to be a yoga teacher in 2014 after noticing how much the practice had brought to my life. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to teach but I knew I’d found something really special and I had to hold on to it. I wanted to learn more.

After I graduated, I started covering classes pretty much as soon as I got home so I could build my confidence and within a few months, some lovely yoga teachers offered me their gym classes to take over. My teacher also let me cover her classes regular to gain more experience. I felt very blessed to have such a supportive network around me.

Shortly after, I decided to relocate. I moved to Frome in 2015 but I kept my ties with the Bristol yoga community. I wasn’t ready to lose that so I continued my Bristol classes alongside my full time job. I did this for a year or two but then things started to shift.

Change was on the horizon

I was really enjoying teaching but not enjoying the 9-5 slog that I was doing before every class. I was travelling to Bristol after work a few evenings a week to teach and not getting home before 11pm on those nights. After a year or two of this, I knew I had to make a decision. It was my health or the work. I chose my health.

Reconsidering everything, I ended up stripping it back so I was only teaching one class a week in my home town and covering classes as and when it suited my schedule to avoid burnout. I kept my full time job. I didn’t feel I could trust enough to make my yoga teaching work as a job by itself so I continued to work a job I hated for the financial security. I almost gave up the thing I loved for money. It’s a common story.

Something’s got to give

This decision turned out not to be the right one. I was never going to be happy working my office job, there was no job satisfaction and it didn’t give back. I reduced my hours to 4 days a week to try and gain back some of my freedom to teach. It worked but it was only a plaster over quite a big wound…

In 2018, my whole life turned upside down. I was in a very bad place mentally suffering with anxiety and low mood brought on by personal and work life. It was compounded when we had numerous family deaths just after I had, what felt like to me, a nervous breakdown. Two of the family members were close members of my family. One of which was my rock. When he passed, I thought I couldn’t go on. 2018 was proving to be the worst year.

Everything is temporary

Yoga teaches us that everything is constantly changing, that really we have no control over life so we have to learn to go with it and not resist. Resisting is what makes life hard. Surrendering makes life a little more bearable.

In July 2018, this is what I did. I surrendered. I couldn’t change what had happened but I could learn to live with these feelings and give them space. Usually we try and carry on, to bury our feelings in order to appear to be OK around others. Well, I wasn’t OK and that was OK. I had to let all of these things come to the surface in order to heal. That wasn’t an easy process and lots of people around me weren’t sure how to cope with me. I lost some friends as I started to be a little more selfish with how I spent my time. It was all part of the necessary process I had to undergo in order to heal.

Out of this misery came something positive. When I was at my lowest, I made a decision without hesitation or doubt. I trusted. I resigned from my job to pursue my dream of yoga. The loss of my Grandads made me realise that I had wasted so much time sat at a desk, rushing to teach classes, having hardly any social life or time to spend with my family, all to get money in the bank. Enough. I didn’t want to lose anyone else feeling as if I could have had more time with them if only I’d not done this and that.

Self-employment is hard but worth it

Suddenly I had no regular income at the end of 2018. I had no idea where the next payment would come from. But I continued. I trusted. I felt it was right. I felt happy.

Sure enough, job opportunities started to come. Other yoga teachers put my name forward for classes. I could say yes to lots more cover to get my name out there. Slowly, slowly, things started to build. But it wasn’t without effort. Things do not just come to you. You have to put the message out there and work towards it in whatever way you can. This can be small steps that eventually lead somewhere. But sitting at home on the sofa, doing nothing, will not achieve results. Self-employment is tough and stressful but it is so much more freeing to be working for yourself. Everything you do leads you places. The reward and job satisfaction was instant for me - even when I didn’t have much money.

A year on…

I’m now a year down the line on this self-employed yoga journey. People think I’m living the dream, teaching a few classes here and there, going away, seeing the world. Well that isn’t the reality at all. I am living MY dream but I’m most definitely not rich from it or able to travel the world. There is a huge amount of admin to be done and this is what I’m normally doing when I’m not teaching…

Yoga teachers do not get much pay for the service they provide. Most gyms and studios pay very little and then running your own classes can sometimes mean you make £3 a class after paying the rent for the venue if hardly anyone has come to class. This is not an easy job but it is a necessary job, especially in today’s world where compassion is absent and anger and hatred seem to rule.

Even though it’s been a tough couple of years, I would not change it for the world. Every time I get the opportunity to teach, I feel blessed. I feel I am offering people a chance to reconnect and learn about their own mind. With this knowledge, people are better able to make choices that help them. Once we recognise that our mind doesn’t have to control us, we become limitless.

The year ahead

Just as many things changed in the last 12 months, I can’t really say where I’ll be in another year’s time. Life is constantly evolving. Sometimes it leads us where we want and other times it doesn’t. Taking yoga off the mat means being able to adapt to both situations and being OK with whatever comes your way, good and bad. And by being OK, I don’t mean the attitude of ‘everything is fine, I’m fine’ when things are going wrong. I mean being able to recognise your feelings in those moments and accepting the situation for what it is without feeling the need to control it. This is hard. And when things are going well, we have to also practise not becoming attached to the results. When things are going good, can we do the same thing - recognise our feelings towards the situation and accept it without wanting to control it.

I guess I wrote this so you could see my journey and learn more about why I do what I do. Your story may be similar. You may have felt lost with no hope. If that’s you, I want you to know that it might not always be this way, that in your darkest moment something positive may come your way. We have to be open to the idea of that. And if it comes, embrace it, whatever it is. Change is good. Change is challenging but it keeps us on our toes and feeling alive. You’ve got this. I trust in you.

For more information on what Kat is up to in 2020, head here for weekly classes or here for courses and retreats.

We are opening a new yoga space in Frome called the Secret Yoga Space. All of our Frome classes will be held there from January. More details on the above link for weekly classes. We hope to meet you soon!